I was under the false impression that as Elliot was getting older, he was getting easier. What I didn't realized until yesterday was that he doesn't get easier to deal with- his issues just change. After I put Elliot to bed on Wednesday, he decided to wake up at 11:30. He then chose not to go to bed until 3:00 a.m. He kept saying he was scared, but would not tell me what he was scared of. Needless to say, I was pretty worn out. The funny thing is, it isn't because I didn't get the normal sleep I usually do, it was because of all the worry I was doing about how I was going to make it better.
You know, I think that is the hardest part about being a mom (at least for me). I worry about everything. All the time. I spent all night and all of yesterday worrying about how the night was going to go. And last night Elliot woke up again. I am so thankful to Mark, he willingly watched Elliot while I tried to get some sleep, but I just couldn't sleep. My anxiety and adrenaline was going crazy! I knew that Mark was capable of taking care of Elliot, but all kinds of thoughts run through my mind.
How long is this going to last?
What happens if Elliot won't sleep on his own anymore?
How are we going to deal with this when baby #2 comes?
How do I help him if he is scared of something?
What happens if I never get sleep again?
As you can see, I am a planner, and I think long term. Really long term. I just can't take the day as it comes. I have to learn to tell myself that everything is going to be OK, I have to learn that this does not last forever, but when you are caught up in the moment it seems like forever. I hope and pray that tonight will be better, and I guess, if not, I will be camping out on Elliot's floor again...
